noun: the period of time after a bad and usually destructive event.
noun: The conversations I've had in recent days with people who know both Mark and me. Conversations in which all of the things they wouldn't say to me before (because I wouldn't have listened) flow freely from their mouths as if an attack on his character will somehow improve this situation for me. (It doesn't.) I know they mean well because they are sincere and caring people and truly believe the things they are saying. So I know in my heart there is truth to the words, albeit their truth.
I'm not blind. Mark and I introduced our demons to each other. I met his insecurities and fears up front and in person, just as he did mine. Did I put the character of his heart on a pedestal? Absolutely. Because that's what love does. It sees the beauty beyond the dirt on the window. Did I make a mistake in doing so? Am I sorry for any of it? No, because I would do it all again.
In some ways I'm weaker. There are 542 dark blue z71s in this town, and I see every single one of them every time I leave the house. I look away and think to myself "don't look back at it" (and I don't) while at the same time my heart flips over. Sometimes when my text alert goes off I automatically think "yay!", but it takes only a second to realize it won't be him. I feel ridiculous when that happens, but only time will make it stop.
In more meaningful ways I'm stronger. Because I allowed myself to trust. To give my all. To be vulnerable. To risk. To grow.
Maybe he isn't the man I believed him to be. But maybe he is.
I'm going to choose the latter, because of MY truth. It took someone very special to catch my eye, someone amazing to capture my heart.
I don't regret loving him.
Maybe that's because instead of bitter, what I feel is grateful for what it was when it was what it was. And what it was is real...no matter how brief.
(I'll keep writing about it here for as long as it takes me to sort it out. Because it helps. The release of it helps. Sorry 'bout that.)
I noticed a local address on an invoice from Etsy not too long ago, so we got to chatting and yesterday something kind of awesome happened. We met in person and talked beads and shows and it took everything I had not to beg her for the bracelet she was wearing. It was totally me and while she shopped and we chatted all I could think was gimmethatgimmethatIWANTTHATBRACELET.
Rosa is a tiny beauty with big skills and since I am STILL thinking about that bracelet I am going to have to see about doing a beads for bracelet trade. Hopefully she'll agree, because while I don't want to lose a new friend...I do know where she lives and I'm not above a little B&E jail time if it means that bracelet on my wrist.
I don't think I've ever seen a part of my bead inventory laid out like this before. I felt incredibly humbled because wow. I did that.
The photo is out of focus.
I was a little distracted
by the sound of the voices
by the sound of the voices
that I don't have a job they hate.