April 18, 2011

K is for Taxes.

If you'd like to argue the accuracy of the title, please come back tomorrow and we can have a giant bitchfest.  Right now I'm kinda busy trying to be a grown up.

~~

38 Somewhat Helpful tips on How to File Your Taxes:

#1 ~ Don't wait until the day they are due. 

#36 ~ Unless you are me.

#22 ~ Don't wait to decide on April 15th 18th
that shoving postal receipts in the glove box
of your Jeep for a year
is probably not the most efficient
way to handle a year's worth
of postal receipts.

#54 ~ Because then you will have to
sort through a whole bunch
of other non taxy type receipts
just to find the year's worth of
of postal receipts.



#18 ~ Forget every I will definitely remember to look HERE
location in your house where you shoved other
random receipts throughout the year.

#75 ~ Dump every non clothes-holding drawer in your house
on the floor because what you really need
is another pile of random crap and paper
through which to sort.

#89 ~ Clean a space in the floor because there isn't a
table top surface large enough on which
to attempt the organization of
so many things you have
not kept organized for
12 months.


#4 ~ Take a break to update your FB status
letting everyone know you win the
Tax Procrastinator award.

#17 ~ Kill an hour chatting about the fact
that you are supposed to be doing your taxes.

#10 ~ Look at all those piles of paper
and try to psyche yourself up
by pretending you are still 8 years old
and playing Secretary.

#40~  Start thinking about bacon.

#103 ~ Leave to go procure a bacon biscuit
and a 12 pack of Dr Pepper.

#11 ~ Eat the bacon while writing a
blog post that now focuses on bacon.

#63 ~ Find other stuff to do,
and only after you have exhausted
every possible distraction
(including cleaning your toothbrush)
(and feeding bananas to your imaginary monkey)
sit down in the middle of the receipts spread
out on the floor.

#33 ~ Make sure the cute puppy Supervisor
is nearby for belly petting interruptions.


#17 ~ Suddenly remember you still have to print
the Paypal and supplier purchase receipts
that you didn't feel like printing
at the time of actual purchases.

#456 ~ Make a mental note to be better about that next year.

#92 ~ Laugh at the absurdity of having just made the
same mental note that you made last year.

#21 ~ Print 56 receipts while reading blogs
and wishing you had more bacon.

#101 ~ Lug out your cash register to run tapes on
the various receipt categories
because the adding machine that
didn't work last time
is surprisingly
still broken.

#0 ~ Call your accountant
and hope for the best.


~~

10 comments:

  1. i can really sense your pain in this one. but the bacon thing made me chuckle. wasn't expecting that. i hope you're getting everything sorted out and will make the deadline today.

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  2. Where did you get the bacon biscuit?
    that's a really cute dog!

    see how i ignored all the parts that had to do with Taxes

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  3. #89 - File an extension and hope you didn't drink too much Dr. Pepper so you can actually fall asleep then go back to bed. :)

    #62 - Stick an I.O.U. in an envelope addressed to the IRS and sign it Goldman Sachs.

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  4. You have an imaginary pet monkey? How cool is that?

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  5. well, at least you have a good attitude about it :)

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  6. BAHAHAHA! You are soooo silly...and I can soooo see every bit of this playing itself out. I'm hoping that "R" = "refund" for you, sistah!!!

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  7. I looooove playing secretary!

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  8. Hi Juls om*g that dog is frikin cute & you crack me up having a sence of humor can get you through just about anything my dear ttfn L:)

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  9. Whew I am now exhausted and I want bacon!

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  10. I just found your blog - you are truthfully hilarious. I've just begun my craft endeavors and have a background in HR. Including hone-on-one coaching and heavy use of personality assessments.

    If you were unaware, you're an ENFP. Takes one to know one, but I believe I have met my match in epitomizing ENFP-ness.

    I once had my (and hubby's!) bank account seized for the assumed thousands I owed in taxes. When in reality, I sold $0 and had stopped filing taxes because the mail piled up and I chose to ignore it.

    And eat bacon instead.

    I got the $ back in less than 2 weeks FROM THE IRS, and that is because the ENFP can achieve unimaginable success when they put their mind to it. You can too, obviously!

    Google ENFP, you'll love it. (The MBTI assessment)

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