Actual text conversations

(with my bestie)

L:  I'm at Walmart.  God help me.  Do you need anything?

Me:  Snag me a 20 pound sack of 50s, but only if they are on sale.

L:  Oh I checked on those first.  Fresh out.

Me:  Dang senior citizens getting there early and buying all the good stuff.

L:  Right? Assholes.

~~

Me:  I just broke the handle on the stove while baking chocolate chip cookie dough muffins.

L:  Awesome!  Bring me one!

~~

(L is having surgery next month.  This convo occurred after she had been in the back for a half hour while we were in Mobile seeing the gyno specialist for her pre op consultation.)

L:  Still waiting for the exam.  

Me:  Ok sis.  No rush. Just kick back, throw your legs in the air, and let the doc all up in your business like you just don't care.

L:  Heeey!  Hoooo!

~~

(at 7 am on a Saturday)

Me:  You up and at em and BURSTING WITH EXCITEMENT TO HIT THE TRACK YESYESWHEEEE!?

L:  (20 minute silence)

Me:  Is this a passive aggressive attempt to manipulate me into believing that you are still asleep?

L:  No, but maybe if I ignore it long enough it will go away...

~~

(referring to the too loose fit of her oldest son's jeans)

L:  He had Dookie britches.

Me:  Please don't ever say that word to me again.

L:  DOOKIEDOOKIEDOOKIE!

~~

(The day after K's birthday celebration which included jello shots and Alan, who showed up way late to the party)

Me: I've been fantasizing all morning about kicking vodka in the face.

L:  Kick Alan.  He's evil.

~~

So is she, hilariously so.  

 ~~